Best Friends, Always?
by Sindie
Summary: Severus had hoped he and Lily would always be best friends, for that was what she had told him their first year at Hogwarts, but what happens when the passing years demand otherwise? A series of vignettes exploring years 1-7 and beyond. Canon-compliant.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: All Harry Potter characters are copyright of J.K. Rowling and Warner Bros., and they were used without permission. However, they were used with consideration and with no intention of making money. This story is simply an appreciative fan's attempt at writing something to contribute to the world of Harry Potter.

Email comments to sindie11(at)yahoo(dot)com.

Sindie Presents a Harry Potter Fanfic:

Best Friends, Always?

Year One

Severus was sulking. He had already made his way out of the Great Hall, having lost his appetite early on during the welcoming feast. He didn't care if Lucius Malfoy had greeted him with practically open arms, nor did he care that the other boys at the table seemed oddly impressed with his abilities – what with knowing a thing or two about Dark Magic at the tender age of eleven.

No, none of that mattered in the least, for he was separated from _her_. Of all the houses to be Sorted into, it had to be damned and blasted Gryffindor! Even Hufflepuff would have been better than that, even if they were losers and duffers. Or why not Ravenclaw if not Slytherin? Lily was smart and clever.

Severus had found a niche in the hallway and had stolen away in the shadows there fifteen minutes earlier. There he continued to sit on the cold stone floor, his arms crossed over his chest, trying to feel defiant, but knowing he was hurt and dejected.

He had been looking forward to coming to Hogwarts for _years_. Finally away from that bullying arsehole of a father and his wimpy mother who couldn't be bothered to stand up for her son, let alone herself, any longer, Severus had dreamed of being together with Lily for the next seven years, of growing up together, and even though he was still too young to fully understand what falling in love meant, he knew he wanted to be with her for the rest of his life.

Against his will, he found his eyes betraying him as hot tears leaked out. He angrily dashed them away and muttered, "Stupid… stupid… stupid…"

"Sev?" a sweet voice suddenly rang out.

Severus jumped and made sure all traces of crying were erased from his face. He held out an arm and waved.

"Over here," he called, his voice cracking.

Lily was at his side in an instant, sitting next to him. He could feel the warmth of her body touching his.

"What's wrong?" she asked. "Have you been crying?"

"Haven't been crying like some stupid baby," Severus immediately denied, but Lily wasn't fooled.

"I saw you leave a while ago and thought maybe you'd just gone to find the loo. This castle is huge, so I figured it might be some time, but when you didn't come back, I grew worried."

Severus glared at the granite wall in front of him, refusing to look at Lily.

"Do you want to talk about it?" she offered.

Severus sighed. Lily _always_ wanted to talk about feelings and other such weaknesses.

"I'm fine," Severus stated.

Lily sighed, echoing Severus's earlier one. "You know," she finally said, "being in different houses doesn't mean we still can't be friends. It doesn't have to change anything."

Upon hearing Lily's naïve words, Severus groaned irritably. "You don't know what you're talking about," he muttered. "Slytherins and Gryffindors just aren't friends…"

"And why is that?" Lily challenged.

"Because… because that's the way it's always been," Severus spluttered miserably.

"Sounds pretty stupid to me," Lily stated matter-of-factly. "Severus, would you just look at me?"

Severus sighed again and turned his face toward Lily, his black eyes meeting her vibrant green ones. "What?" he huffed.

"We've been friends… best friends since before we came to Hogwarts. That's not going to change."

Severus wanted to believe her… oh, he did, but he was finding it hard to imagine the next few years ahead and the challenges that they would face simply because of their houses, not to mention the fact that Lily was beautiful and bound to be popular, and he… well, Severus could only hope his knowledge would give him some advantage.

"You promise?" he finally asked.

"Always," Lily replied, smiling.

Severus felt something warm inside and felt a smile alighting his lips for the first time that evening. He reached for her hand and took it.

"Always," he repeated.

Next up: Year Two


	2. Chapter 2

Year Two

The welcoming feast had ended hours ago, and curfew was mere minutes away, but two second years had left their respective dormitories to meet. The Gryffindor and Slytherin pair was an odd couple among the school's students, perhaps the only known and obvious pair of friends from those rivalry houses.

Lily's pretty face broke into a smile when she spotted Severus standing there waiting for her. She had to look down slightly now, for he was shorter than her. During the course of her first year, she had had a growth spurt and had gained a few inches on him.

Severus scowled up at Lily. "You don't have to constantly rub it in, you know," he remarked.

"What? That I'm taller than you?" Lily laughed, but not cruelly, hoping Severus would lighten up.

He seemed tenser whenever they were at Hogwarts. At home, everything was as it had always been, perhaps even better, as Lily liked to believe their friendship had only grown closer when put to the test their first year at the magic school.

"Don't worry. I'm sure you'll be plenty taller than me by the time we're seventh years, Sev," Lily reassured her friend. "Most girls have their growth spurts earlier than boys."

"Thanks for reminding me," Severus grumbled.

"Why are you in such a bad mood?" Lily asked.

"It's nothing," Severus lied, not meeting her eyes.

Lily knew something was bothering him whenever he refused to look at her. Sometimes she grew impatient with his grumpiness and lack of a desire to communicate what was on his mind, but snapping at him would only upset him further. So, Lily took the higher ground.

"You realize we're standing in the same place we were a year ago when you left the Great Hall?"

"Yeah. So?"

"So, another year had passed, Sev, and we're still best friends. I told you we would be."

Encouraged by Lily's words and attitude, Severus's mouth twisted into a small smile. "Yes, we're best friends, Lily. Always, you said. That's why… that's why I hate it when some of the boys in my house… Well, they're Slytherins and obsessed with blood purity. They call people like you bad names."

"What bad names?" Lily asked innocently, for she had never heard anything derogatory from her fellow Gryffindors.

"I'm not repeating it," Severus insisted. "They don't even know I'm a half-blood. If they did, well…"

"They'd call you these names, too?"

"Yeah, probably. I'm sure a lot of them aren't even pureblood wizards."

Severus had spent most of his first year trying to avoid members of his house, choosing instead to seclude himself in the library for long hours, where Lily sometimes met him. There had been a few occasions, however, when a group of them, led by Lucius Malfoy, would seek him out and ask him questions about Dark Magic. Sometimes, Severus just couldn't help himself and would wind up finding himself drawn into deep discussion with the children of Death Eaters. He had wanted to be somebody worthwhile and important, a powerful wizard one day, but at the same time, he was wary of his house mates, for many of them were genuinely cruel and questioned Severus about why he "hung around that Mudblood."

Lily snorted. "Who cares? Potter and Black are purebloods, and look what idiots they are."

Severus chuckled. "Potter and Black are nothing but troublemakers, and I'm glad you aren't friends with them."

He quickly sobered, for Potter and Black were worse than anyone in Slytherin.

"I hate them, you know," Severus said savagely. "All the more reason you shouldn't _ever_ be friends with them."

"Why are you going on about Potter and Black? Potter, especially, is a toerag. As if I'd ever befriend them."

"Good," Severus stated. He hoped his insecurity was put to rest for the time being.

"Come on, Sev," Lily said, taking his hand. "It's nearly curfew. We don't want to start the year off with detention."

Severus gratefully allowed Lily to tug him along. She, and she alone, was allowed to have power over him.

Up next: Year Three


	3. Chapter 3

Year Three

The first week of school had already passed, and Severus and Lily were now in the queue, with a couple hundred other students, anxiously awaiting their afternoon in Hogsmeade. As third years, it would be their first time visiting the wizarding village.

As Filch checked over their permission slips, they hastily slid past the caretaker and out onto the grounds of Hogwarts. The sun was shining gloriously down upon the grass and reflecting off the lake on the early September day.

As she walked along, Lily extended her arms and gazed up at the sky, smiling, her eyes closed as she felt the warmth of the sunlight on her face.

"This is the perfect day," she mused.

"You might want to watch where you're going," Severus said, chuckling softly.

Lily laughed and opened her eyes, returning to focusing on the trek. "What should we do first? Where should we go? Oh, this is just… perfect!"

Severus knew Lily couldn't contain her excitement, but had to point out to her that using the word "perfect" twice in a row was overdoing it a bit.

Lily playfully smacked him on the arm for his snide remark, but he hadn't meant anything cruel by it. Just having come off the summer, their friendship felt strong again. Over the course of their second year, there had been some obvious strains, mostly due to the pressure Severus experienced from his house. For the moment, however, any differences in their friendship were hidden at bay.

A few minutes later, the duo found themselves on the main street of Hogsmeade. The most popular destinations appeared to be Zonko's, Honeyduke's, and The Three Broomsticks.

"Oh, look there!" Lily exclaimed, pointing at the pub. "I've wanted to visit and try a butterbeer for the past two years, and now we finally can. What do you say, Sev?"

"Uh, sure," Severus replied, unsure.

The crowd was simply massive, and as they neared the pub, they were smashed into a group of rowdy Gryffindors. Someone accidentally bumped into Severus, sending him flying into the chest of another boy.

"Hey, watch it!" someone yelled.

Severus glared at the back of the person he thought most likely responsible for sending him on his little trip, but before he could look around for Lily, he felt his insides turn to ice when he heard the last voice he wanted to hear.

"Oh, look… it's Snape! Hey, Snivelly!" Potter's arrogant voice rang out.

Much to Severus's chagrin, Potter was the one he had the misfortune to run into. Severus turned on his heel, intent on finding Lily, as they had somehow managed to be separated in the crowd, but he was stopped by a rough shove in the back.

"Going somewhere?" Black inquired. "I wanted to ask you if you figured out how to wash your hair over the summer, but oops, I guess not."

Severus heard several of the Gryffindors around him sniggering, and he felt his face heat up. His fingers closed around his wand, and he muttered, "Get out of the way, Potter, Black."

"Or what?" Potter challenged.

"Or you'll have _me_ to deal with, too," Lily suddenly cut in, stepping in between Severus and Potter. "Lay off, Potter. I see your fan club is already waiting for you."

Potter smirked at Lily. "Ah, Evans, fortune is good. Have a nice summer, did you?"

The question threw Lily for a loop. She wasn't expecting Potter to inquire after her summer or anything of the sort.

"Yes, actually, because you weren't there," Lily replied smoothly, taking Severus's hand. "Come on, Sev; let's go. There are other places to visit that don't have arrogant toerags just lying about."

"Like Madam Puddifoot's?" Black suggested, wiggling an eyebrow at Severus. "Got your greasy hands on her already, Snivelly… Might as well take the lady to a romantic tea. You might want to skip snogging her, though. Your nose might get in the way."

Severus aimed his wand at Black and was just about to Stun him, when Lily pushed his arm down and hissed, "No, Sev! No magic outside of school! Come _on_!"

"I… don't… care…" Severus said gruffly, trying to extract himself from Lily. "They started it."

"Oh, very grown up, Severus," Lily shot back sarcastically. "Throwing around blame like they would do."

She pulled him away from the crowd, and Severus could hear the mocking calls all the way to the alley Lily took him to. Once there, Severus roughly pulled his arm away from Lily.

"What do you think you're doing?" he asked hotly, rounding on her.

"Apparently saving you from making an arse of yourself," Lily retorted.

"I don't _need_ saving," Severus shot back.

Hurt, Lily stepped back a couple of steps and folded her arms over her chest, looking at the ground.

"Fine, I'll just leave you alone next time," she said loudly, but Severus could hear the wavering of her tone.

His chest immediately tightened.

"Lily, I- I'm sorry. I just… I was embarrassed… I could've handled Potter and Black. Merlin knows they deserve it. How many times have I just let them hex me from behind and just taken it lying down? Not anymore, Lily. I won't let them…"

Severus had been working on spells all summer, although he hadn't told Lily. He knew she wouldn't approve, especially since he wanted to share some of them with his housemates. Maybe if he had a few friends in his own house, he could have someone to back him up against the Marauders. Lily was a girl… He didn't need or want her defending him, although he wasn't about to tell _her_ why!

Lily sniffed and looked up. "You don't have to be alone to defend yourself, Severus, and besides, two versus two is fair. It's just… breaking the rules by doing magic outside of Hogwarts… You know you'd get in trouble, and I don't think you should have to serve detention because of _them_."

"Maybe it would've been worth it," Severus said. "I'm not a weakling, a miserable idiot who they can just wipe their shoes all over. One day, I swear… they _will_ pay."

Lily frowned and trembled a little at the tone of her best friend's voice during that last part. She worried for him more than ever, that he was being influenced in ways he shouldn't have been. She thought of bringing it up, but decided against it… for the time being.

"Come on, Sev. Let's… let's find some place quiet to go."

"Not Madam Puddifoot's," Severus protested, although he did rather like the idea of kissing Lily.

Lily laughed. "Of course not! That's for people who are dating! You're my best friend, not my boyfriend!"

Although Lily might have thought herself funny, Severus thought seriously, _Maybe not, but I wish you were my girlfriend. _

He relinquished control of himself and gave Lily his hand, his earlier feelings of indignation and humiliation in front of her forgotten, allowing his true feelings for her to take over as she guided him down the street.

Up next: Year Four


	4. Chapter 4

Year Four

The breeze blew gently, rustling the leaves above. Severus glanced up and noticed the tips of some of the leaves were starting to turn. Mid-September in Scotland was a beautiful time of year, and most of the students at Hogwarts were enjoying it thoroughly.

Severus, however, had his face buried in his favorite textbook, his mum's old Potions tome. He had found it over the summer, and even though he wouldn't be taking Advanced Potions for two more years, he wanted to practice and learn more than the other students. He not only wrote changes to the text on the pages, but the margins were filled with his scrawl as he worked on spells, an art he had been honing the past year.

He glared at some silly Hufflepuff girls who were sitting about ten meters away and laughing raucously. While others were content to run around, giggle, and play, Severus had better things to do. Teenagers shouldn't be acting like such children, anyway. If he was going to be the powerful and respected wizard he wanted to be as an adult, he needed to focus on expanding his knowledge and skills.

Lily, for all her cleverness and intelligence, seemed easily distracted by the frivolity of the mainstream. Severus couldn't understand why she would want to waste her time on hanging around a bunch of giggly girls who wanted to chat about fashion and boys. As for style, Lily could look good wearing anything as far as Severus was concerned, and could there really be any question about dating when the topic came up? Severus inwardly hoped not. He knew that loads of boys had their eyes on Lily, including that obnoxious git, Potter, but luckily for Severus, Lily didn't seem to notice, and she especially found Potter as annoying as ever.

Returning his concentration to his book, Severus was startled a few minutes later when someone suddenly plopped down next to him and thumped him on the back. His defenses instantly raised, Severus lifted his wand and pointed it directly into the face of his assailant.

"Jeez, Severus! What's the matter with you?"

Seeing that it was only Lily, Severus relented and pocketed his wand.

"Oh, it's you," he said. "You shouldn't do that, Lily. I thought you were an attacker."

Lily would have laughed had this incident occurred several months ago, but this wasn't the first time Severus had nearly hexed her.

"You really ought to lighten up, Sev. Must you think everyone is out to get you? You act like you're paranoid, like you can't trust anyone."

Severus frowned. "Very few people are worthy of my trust; you know that, Lily. And perhaps you should stop surprising me with your presence in such a way if you don't want to be accidentally hexed."

"Where's your sense of fun?" Lily asked, a note of teasing in her voice. She thought a change in approach might loosen her tightly-coiled friend up some.

"I am having fun," Severus insisted, motioning toward his book.

"Oh, really?" Lily inquired skeptically, grabbing his Potions text from him.

"Hey!" Severus protested, but Lily held it away.

"I like Potions just as much as you, Sev, but this is ridiculous. You've been buried in books, especially this one, all summer. And what's this? Cretum-?" she started to read.

"It's nothing," Severus lied, knowing Lily would dislike his spells.

"Looks like a spell to me," Lily said. "Should I try it on you and see what it does if it's nothing?"

"No, why would you want to do that?" asked Severus, scowling deeply.

"Because it _does_ do something, and I'd like to find out what these spells are you've been inventing. It's not a good idea to be playing around with magic, Severus. It's dangerous."

Lily was starting to lecture. She was all about rules and pleasing the professors, much to Severus's ire. Of course he was a good student and wished to equally please the teachers and not purposefully break rules like Potter and his mates, but there were times when he felt the rules were insufficient for him. He could make his own spells and could write better Potions directions than the idiot who had published the textbook. He had to prove himself more than capable, and since it seemed Potter was bent on ruining his dream, he would just have to make his own way and work all the harder. Lily couldn't understand that. Neither could she understand how _good _it felt tobe admired when so few actually took a minute of their time to bother with him, unless it was to make some rude remark about his appearance.

"It's not dangerous, okay?" Severus spat, grabbing back his book and stowing it protectively in his bag. "All it does is make the victim's toenails grow. Wilkes, Rosier, and I tried it out-"

"Tried it out? On whom?" Lily demanded.

Severus realized he had said too much. "It doesn't matter. It's a harmless spell."

"It's not approved, and any hex is not harmless, Severus."

Severus stood. Why couldn't Lily see the brilliance in his creations like his house mates? Why couldn't she be impressed by his Potions and Dark Arts knowledge? Instead, all she seemed to want to do was nag him and be a bother.

"I don't have time for this," Severus said, closing up. "I need to study uninterrupted."

"Well, I'm sorry to have bothered you then," Lily retorted. "Go find your Slytherin mates and show them your amazing handiwork. I'm sure they'll appreciate finding another unsuspecting victim for them to practice their… _your_… spells on!"

Severus was stunned. Lily had never spoken to him in that manner before. Sure, they had had their differences, but she had never insinuated that his house mates were his friends. He wanted to make things right between them, but instead, the words were wrenched from his mouth before he knew what he was saying.

"Maybe I will. At least they appreciate my spells!"

"And do you know who these people are, Severus? Truly? What they stand for?"

Severus shrugged, pretending to not be bothered. He knew what they stood for and who they were. The term Mudblood had been thrown around more and more, and Severus wasn't stopping them these days, although he never uttered the word himself.

"Why don't you go find your little girlfriends then," Severus said hotly, "since you seem to be surrounded by them all the time nowadays. I bet the lot of you are nattering on about how you can impress the star Quidditch player, Potter."

"What's Potter got to do with it?" Lily asked, confused.

"Are you blind, Lily? Are you the only one who doesn't see the way he looks at you?" Severus spluttered.

"How many times do I have to tell you I don't like Potter, Severus? I also don't like your 'friends.'"

"They aren't my friends," Severus mumbled, starting to deflate. _They only ever hang around me because they want something I have, and I do their homework to get them to respect me. _

"Then why hang around them?" Lily asked, calming down.

"Because… because… I don't know."

But Severus knew. He simply left his true thoughts to himself: _You're my only friend._

A year ago, he wouldn't have had any problem admitting it. Why was it so hard to now?

Lily sighed. "I don't want to fight with you, Sev. I came to find you to spend some time with you. It seems harder and harder to do that these days."

Severus wanted to retort and blame Lily for choosing to be with others over him more often, but he kept silent.

"I don't want to fight, either. Let's… let's walk, shall we?" he offered.

Lily nodded. She tentatively reached for his hand, and he awkwardly took it. Caught between being deeply in love with the young woman beside him and with his ideals to be someone important, Severus somehow managed to let Lily win again.

Up next: Year Five


	5. Chapter 5

Year Five

Severus was alone. He was alone often now.

There were, of course, times when he was surrounded by his fellow Slytherins, but he grew tired of their company at times. He had gotten close to a few of them, but Mulciber was the main reason he left his new friends (for that was what they claimed they were, even if Severus doubted otherwise). Mulciber was an animal, a barbarian, and Severus had better uses for his knowledge than to share it with idiots like him.

Mulciber also loved the word "Mudblood." Avery, Wilkes, and Rosier used it, too, but Mulciber was the worst. He was always asking Severus why he was still friends with "that Mudblood." Severus used to defend Lily, but now he just kept his mouth shut. He wasn't sure if he was just tired of defending his friendship with her or if it was something deeper.

He sensed his friendship with Lily was on tenterhooks. The summer had always been their time away from Hogwarts, a time when they could forget everything that separated them for ten months of the year and they could go back to being the friends they had forever been. This past summer had proven different, for Severus and Lily had argued their way through it, sometimes not talking to each other for days. Severus felt he was the one who had to go crawling back to Lily, professing apologies and kind words to get in her good graces again. He was growing rather tired of that. Why did he have to be the bad guy?

He was annoyed with Lily. She was supposed to be meeting him, and she was late. If she didn't value his time, maybe she didn't value his friendship. All she seemed to do was nag him about his friends and his ideals. Why should he defend a "friend" like that? Couldn't she see that he was trying to do this for _her_? If he was to prove himself powerful and worthy, he would need to gain some recognition and fame for his abilities, and the only route he could see that was available was by keeping in contact with Lucius Malfoy and befriending the children of Death Eaters. Malfoy had joined the Death Eaters a year ago and had told Severus it was the "opportunity of a lifetime." Severus didn't have money or good looks, so he needed to impress Lily with his skills, and if he had the right connections, he could truly get somewhere for his hard work.

_A better life for sure than being the kicking bag of Potter and his ilk,_ Severus thought bitterly_. Hogwarts was supposed to be my time to shine, away from my filthy Muggle father, but it's been a joke. Why can't Lily see how hard it's been for me? She should be supporting me if she's my friend, not judging me._

He glared at the Black Lake. The sun was getting low in the sky, and if Lily didn't come soon, he was going to have to return to the castle, lest he risk getting detention for breaking curfew.

Then he spotted her. Lily was walking toward him, her long dark red hair flying in the breeze.

"I was beginning to wonder if you'd show," Severus said in way of greeting.

"Good evening to you, too, Severus," Lily replied. "Sorry I'm late."

"What kept you?"

"I was in the middle of a conversation with my friends, and I had a hard time just getting up in the midst of it and leaving. I didn't want to be rude," she explained.

"And it's okay to keep me waiting? That's not rude?" Severus asked, irritation evident in his tone.

"I already said I was sorry," Lily stated exasperatedly.

She huffed and sat down. Severus, who had been standing, joined her, although he seated himself a short distance away. Lily gazed sadly at the space between them and sighed.

"Why does it seem like all we do is row now?" Lily asked. "It seems a waste of what could be quality time together."

Severus shrugged.

"That's all you've got? Don't you even have anything to say, Severus?"

Severus suddenly shifted his gaze to her. "What do you want me to say? I've been giving you the answers you've wanted for years now, trying to be the friend you want me to be."

"I don't want you to have to change who you are to please me. That's not being a friend. Friends shouldn't have to change," Lily said.

"Oh, but that's not the way you come across, Lily," Severus argued. "You say that, but every time you demand I stop hanging around other Slytherins, every time you tell me to stop creating spells, you're telling me I'm not good enough!"

"I never- Severus, I say those things out of concern. I worry for you. Don't you see what's happening? They're changing you… making you into someone you're not supposed to be."

"Who says I'm not supposed to be that way? You?" Severus challenged.

Lily felt tears prickling in her eyes. "Do you even listen to yourself? To what you're saying? Those people you hang around with hate people like me. I know what they call people like me. Is that who you want to be? A Death Eater?"

"No," Severus denied quickly.

"Then what _do_ you want, Severus?" Lily demanded.

"I want… I want things to go back the way they used to be. Are we best friends or not, Lily?"

"Of course we are, but you need to stop letting those future Death Eaters influence you, or else- or else-"

"There you go again!" Severus exclaimed, standing now. "I'm always the one who needs to change! You expect me to just fit into your perfect world of prettiness and popularity, but that's not me, Lily; it never has been. Look- look at me!"

Lily frowned. "What do you mean?"

"Don't deny it. I see the way you smile when someone makes a comment about me. You've even smiled when Potter, of all people, remarked on my robes being too short last week."

"Severus," Lily said calmly, standing and coming to him, placing a hand on his arm, "it was _a little_ funny, don't you think? I mean, you've finally had your growth spurt, and your ankles were showing. You must not have realized you needed new robes this year."

"I realized it just fine," Severus spat. "Unlike Potter and you, I cannot afford new robes."

Lily knew she had hit a touchy spot. "I'm sorry, Sev, truly. I never meant to insinuate-"

He sighed. "I know you didn't, but the fact that you still thought it… funny on some level…"

"I'm sorry," she repeated emphatically. "Sev, look at me."

Severus raised his eyes from the ground to hers. He was now taller than her, so Lily had to look up into his face. She moved her hand from his arm to his cheek.

"I don't want to lose you," she said softly. "You and I have been friends before any of this, and you are still very dear to me, but if things stay the way they are, I can't guarantee anything. I don't want to see you with those Death Eaters. You're better than that; I know you are. I _know_ you, Severus."

Severus knew in that moment that he wanted to hold onto Lily, no matter what. Her friendship was worth anything, but neither did he want to release what he felt was his calling. He could only hope that in time, she would come to understand why he had to choose the path he did.

He loved her. He wanted to tell her, but he was afraid. He knew she didn't feel the same way about him. How could she? He was so opposite of her, yet she was still here. For that, he loved her all the more.

"Please don't ever leave me," he said in a very quiet voice, fearing otherwise.

Lily seemed to take his words as confirmation that he was going to change to stay friends with her. She smiled and nodded, thinking their friendship maybe had a chance, for this argument had ended better than most.

It gave her hope. False hope, only she didn't know it.

They were both falsely hoping in the delusions they had created in that moment, which would break Severus to pieces in time. He would come to hate hope.

Up next: Year Six


	6. Chapter 6

Year Six

_Please don't ever leave me. _

_Please don't ever leave me._

_Please… don't… ever… leave… me…_

_I'm sorry._

_I'm sorry!_

_I never meant to call you Mudblood, it just-_

_I thought we were supposed to be friends?_

_Best friends?_

_I'm sorry!_

Severus couldn't keep the words out of his mind. All summer… all summer he had replayed that last moment together at the end of their fifth year, when Lily had finally refused to forgive him… in essence, had refused and rejected him and his friendship.

Other memories were there, too, moments when he had sought confirmation that they were still best friends that last year, when a part of him knew their friendship was slowly crumbling apart, and had been for quite some time.

Still, Lily had always been there. Now, he was truly alone. He had walked to the old playground daily in hopes of seeing her there over the summer, but she no longer came to their spot, their secret secluded location that was a part of them.

Sometimes, Severus had worked up the courage to make the trek to Lily's nicer neighborhood and had managed to ignore the stares from every nosy Muggle on the street. He had stood in front of her house, but had never managed to make it to the front door. The last person he wanted to see was Lily's horse-faced sister, and he didn't want to deal with her parents, for he was sure they would have found out first hand from their daughter why "that young man wasn't coming around anymore."

Now, he was back at Hogwarts for year six. Severus had grown a couple of more inches in length, as had his hair, which was longer than ever, and he didn't care, for he hid behind the curtains. No one needed to see him. Even the old thrills he had gotten from sharing spells and Dark Arts knowledge with his fellow Slytherins didn't bring him joy.

Without Lily, there seemed little purpose to life anymore.

Severus had gone to the library to simply be alone, but his mind couldn't concentrate on studying. He kept hoping Lily would enter, and maybe he could finally talk to her. Could she really, truly be done with him? After all this time?

_Maybe she will be more open to listening after having had the summer to cool off_, Severus reasoned with himself.

The moment that thought finished in his mind, the sole subject of his obsessive feelings entered the library. At first, she didn't see him, but as she walked toward the study area to find a seat, Lily's face changed expression as she frowned and made to turn away.

Severus immediately stood and went toward her.

"Lily!" he hissed, reaching for her arm.

Lily seemed disgusted and pulled away. "Don't touch me," she said, obvious venom in her voice.

Severus recoiled. He couldn't believe that Lily could speak with such revulsion.

"Just… please… Lily, give me a moment," Severus pleaded.

Lily looked at him witheringly and sighed. She glared and crossed her arms. "Well, what is it?"

"Can we go somewhere more private?" Severus asked.

Lily laughed humorlessly. "Right, so you can do something inappropriate with me, or do you have a group of your little friends waiting for me? To attack the Mudblood?"

Severus cringed. "Lily, please don't say that word."

"You certainly didn't seem to have a problem saying it last year," she said coldly. "I bet you're still throwing it around in casual conversation. Nothing's changed. Did you honestly think I would just forget and things would go back to the way they used to be? I'm tired of this, Severus. You've had more than enough chances to stop becoming Dark."

"You don't understand," Severus said hastily. "It's not that simple. I-"

"I don't want to hear any more excuses," Lily said flatly. "Now, if you're quite done, I'm leaving-"

"No, wait!" Severus begged. "If you'd let me explain- I'm doing this for-"

"I don't care. How much plainer can I make myself, Severus? We _aren't_ friends. Not anymore. Get over it. You'd save yourself a lot of hassle if you let this go."

Severus heard no compassion in her tone, no desire to try to understand. He put his walls up in that instant.

"Fine, you want to be cold and uncaring; I can be that and worse, especially since that's who you think I am. You're right, Lily. I _will_ be a Death Eater one day. It's what you've always expected of me, so I'll make sure not to disappoint you."

Severus half-hoped his harsh words would evoke tears in the girl he still loved. He longed to see _some _emotion that she still cared for him, but the green eyes that had once gazed upon him with wonder and concern were now iced over with hatred.

"Goodbye, Severus," Lily said in an emotionless voice. She turned and walked away.

Severus stood there for a long while, but then returned to the desk where he had been sitting and gathered his things. He felt his emotions betraying him and knew he had to get out of the library and to some place private.

In a dash, Severus went to the Astronomy Tower and was thankful it was unoccupied. He sat down, leaning against the ramparts, and buried his face in his hands and sobbed.

It was truly over. Lily hated him.

Maybe if he knew she was crying on the other side of the castle, he would have held onto the smallest shred of hope, but as it was, that would be the last day Severus cried for quite some time.

Up next: Year Seven


	7. Chapter 7

Year Seven

Severus was laughing, but it wasn't a nice laugh. It wasn't merry or honest or cheerful.

It was cruel.

"Good one, Snape!" Rosier exclaimed.

"Thanks," Severus replied, smirking.

His Slytherin mates and he had just tried out one of his new spells on an unsuspecting first year Hufflepuff. The poor girl had run off crying because her fingers had suddenly swelled beyond measure, for no apparent reason. Unlike that idiot Potter and his friends who openly hexed others for fun, the Slytherins were careful to keep their identity hidden.

The hallways were full of students in between classes, so the hex could have come from anywhere. Severus's friends had been goading him all week to have the guts to hex an "innocent victim," claiming that he would "enjoy the thrill of having power over another."

"Next time it'll be Potter," Severus stated savagely, for that was who he truly wanted to hex. Any of his friends would do, too.

He had always left the dirty work up to his friends, mostly Mulciber, because he reveled in attacking others, but a week into his final year at Hogwarts, Severus felt he would be out of the school soon enough. He was already of age, after all, and upon graduation, his friends and he intended to join the Dark Lord.

"Potter hasn't even attacked you all week, strangely," Wilkes pointed out thoughtfully.

"Hmph, not that any of you ever did anything to stop him," Severus groused, annoyed.

"It's good for you, Snape. It toughens you up. Don't you want to have the sole pleasure of making him pay for torturing you all these years?" posed Avery.

"Good enough point," Severus stated.

While he was surrounded by his supposed friends, Severus found he could easily allow them to distract him. His mind had thought less and less of Lily as last year had passed, and the need to fill himself with a purpose drove him to seek the company of those he used to detest only a few years earlier. Still amused by his trick, Severus rounded the corner and came nearly face-to-face with Lily, but since he wasn't alone, he pretended to ignore her.

"Get out of our way, stupid Mudblood," Mulciber growled at her.

Lily only glared at the five Slytherins, her eyes piercing her old friend, but Severus didn't even look at her. He couldn't. He wouldn't. He didn't need to be reminded of what he once had with her. He thought himself weak for having opened himself to her, and what had she done in the end? She hadn't been the friend she had promised.

Always, indeed. Severus had a new philosophy these days. Out of sight, out of mind.

"Everyone get to class," Severus heard Professor McGonagall shouted over the chatter around him.

"Damn, we have to sit in that bitch's class for the next hour," Avery complained, referring to McGonagall. "Stupid Gryffindor."

Severus followed the others into the classroom and took his seat, thinking this year couldn't be over soon enough. What a waste of his time it was sitting in classes when he could be doing something productive with his life.

When class was over, the students eagerly spilled out of the room, ready for lunch.

"I'll see you in the Great Hall," Severus told his friends. "I need to check something out of the library, but I'll be along shortly."

Rosier rolled his eyes as Wilkes teased, "You and the library, Snape."

Severus blew them off and headed toward the library. By now, the corridors had cleared. As he approached the place where he would make a right turn, he overheard voices. He stopped and listened.

"No, I mean it, Lily. Can I please call you Lily?"

_Potter?_ Severus thought, angering upon just hearing the ingrate's voice.

"You _really_ want me to go to Hogsmeade with you this weekend?" came Lily's voice, skeptical.

"Yes, if you'll accept."

Potter sounded subdued and almost… polite. Severus sneered. The git was just trying to woo Lily.

"All right," Lily said slowly, sounding somewhat unsure. "And I guess you can call me Lily. We've known each other six years."

"Then you call me James, please. I insist," James said with a chuckle.

"What happened to you over the summer, Po- James?" Lily asked. "I'd almost say you were being a gentleman."

James laughed. "Me? A gentleman? Ah, don't let me fool you that easily, Lily."

Severus thought he was going to be sick when Lily giggled that the idiot's antics. He took the peek around the corner and nearly gasped at the sight that beheld him. Lily was smiling at Potter in the way she only used to smile at him, Severus.

Immediately filled with rage, Severus pointed his wand at Potter and hexed him with the same spell he had used on the Hufflepuff girl earlier. Potter yelped as he fingers swelled. It was painful. It was meant to be.

Lily gasped. "James, what's happening?" Her eyes traveled toward the area the attack much have come from, and she pointed her wand.

"Who's there?" she demanded.

Severus turned and retreated, but he wasn't fast enough. He heard Lily's accusatory voice behind him. 

"Severus! You get back here and fix this!"

Severus didn't say a word, but kept going. Lily didn't pursue him. Whatever happened to Potter could be fixed by Madam Pomfrey. Withdrawing to his dormitory and finding it empty, Severus aimed his wand at the pillow and blasted it to pieces.

Lily was with him? Potter, of all people! Was she as stupid as Potter?

_No_, Severus thought harshly_, she's heartless. She chose Potter because she knew it would get to me. She's trying to hurt me. Well, it won't work. _

Severus didn't waste any tears on Lily like he had last year, but his violent outburst on that poor pillow claimed otherwise that he didn't care. He was only fooling himself.

He took several deep breaths, gaining control of himself, and calmed down. His mental barriers were firmly in place once again, just as they belonged, keeping emotions and other such weaknesses out. He was comfortable with his walls and his straight indifference.

To care only caused hurt. To open himself only made him vulnerable. To love only made a fool out of him.

He had no place for any of that nonsense in his new life.

Severus repaired the pillow and exited the room, heading for the Great Hall. The room looked as it always had. No one needed to know otherwise.

Up next: Beyond


	8. Chapter 8

Beyond

Severus knew he was dying. He seemed to have little control over everything that happened after the snake attacked him. At least, he thought he had failed Dumbledore, but then Harry Potter suddenly materialized out of nowhere and was in front of him. Severus offered him all that he could in that moment to prove his loyalty to Dumbledore and to Lily and gave him the information Dumbledore had wanted. His work was done. He had served Dumbledore, the Dark Lord before that, and in his heart all these years, Lily.

His strength was failing. His vision was blurring, but in one last desperate attempt to see Lily's eyes one more time, he pulled Harry forward with a slackening hand and whispered, "Look… at… me…"

Harry looked stunned and didn't say anything. Severus ignored the glasses and the unruly black hair that reminded him so painfully of James Potter and focused on the eyes. They were all that seemed to matter.

Suddenly, the immense physical agony was gone, and as he stared at those green eyes, the face they were attached to changed, softening into a young woman's. Her pale visage was surrounded by a halo of red hair, and beyond that, bright white light. He felt the brush of something gently encircling him and realized that he was in someone's arms.

"Severus," an angelic voice seemed to soothe him.

Severus, unsure of what was occurring, blinked, and blinked again. When the image in front of him didn't disappear, he still wondered if he was dreaming.

"Lily?" he croaked, his throat constricted and dry.

"Yes, Sev, it's me," Lily said gently. She was smiling so radiantly at him, practically bursting with love, and Severus could feel it washing over him.

Overcome by intense emotion, Severus closed his eyes and broke down. He clutched desperately to Lily and shamelessly buried his face in her robes. Lily didn't say anything, but merely continued to hold him as he released tears for every bitter sorrow, every foolish mistake, every bad decision, every act of cruelty, and every moment of regret his life had contained.

Severus felt Lily's small hands running up and down his back in comforting motions, and he was at a loss as to what to say. How could this be?

Finally, Severus looked up at Lily and asked that question. "How is this possible? Are you real, Lily?"

"You died, Sev. And yes, I'm real. You're real. This is all real. This is heaven."

"Heaven?" Severus didn't believe he would ever be welcomed to such a place.

"Yes," Lily confirmed.

"But… but that's not possible," Severus stammered. "I- I don't deserve this. Do you know what I've done? Of course you know. How could you not? Lily, it's my fault you died. All my fault. I was so stupid. So incredibly stupid. I'm sorry, so… so sorry." Severus rambled, losing his composure all over again and dissolved into tears.

"I know everything you've done," Lily said in an impossibly kind and understanding voice. "I know everything you've risked all these years. You protected my son, Severus. You risked your life daily as a spy for the Order and for Dumbledore. You died loyal to Dumbledore, to me. Have you any idea how brave you've been?"

"I'm not brave," Severus muttered resignedly. "It doesn't matter what I've done. Nothing can undo what's been done. All I beg now is your forgiveness."

"Severus, listen to me," Lily said firmly, yet gently. "There is nothing to forgive. Anything you could have possibly done wrong has more than been righted by all you've given all these years. I am so proud of you, Sev. Have you no idea of your true worth? You are every bit the good wizard and man I knew you could be when we were kids. I must ask instead if you can forgive me."

"Forgive you?" Severus gaped. "What do you mean? You did nothing wrong, Lily."

"No, that's not true," Lily countered. "I abandoned you when you needed me the most. I should have realized that when you were closing yourself up and drawing inward, that was when you needed a friend the most. It takes two people to make a friendship work. No one person should have to shoulder the blame."

Severus shook his head. "No, you were perfect… always kind, always trying to show me a better way, but I wouldn't listen. You say you know everything I've done. If that's the case, then you know that I've never been kind to your son. A better man would have been kinder to him. Instead, I-"

Severus couldn't believe what he was saying, but in his past year alive, he had done some serious soul-searching. After Dumbledore had died, Severus felt truly alone. Trying to carry on in the midst of people who used to be his colleagues and allies at Hogwarts and be despised and branded a coward and a traitor had nearly put him over the edge. He had wondered on many a lonely night in the headmaster's office what kind of man he would be remembered as, and the pettiness and spite he had shown Lily's son was unforgivable. He knew he could have done more than just protect the boy, and now that he was gone from his former life, things were taking on a new perspective, and Severus found himself willingly completely open and vulnerable.

"You did the best you could in the given circumstances," Lily said. "No one is perfect. Even a saint couldn't have been the model for good behavior. I do not blame you for feeling the way you did, Sev. I knew you were conflicted and hurt."

"I was miserable, and all I wanted to do was make everyone around me miserable," Severus said dejectedly.

"Shh," Lily comforted him, pulling him to her again.

Severus allowed himself to relax in her embrace and snaked his arms around her. How long he had dreamed of being with Lily again, of acceptance at the very least, but she was giving him so much more. This was love, pure and unaltered love! He thought his heart might burst with the emotion of it all, for while he lamented his life, he also couldn't deny the devotion radiating from her.

"Do you forgive me?" Lily asked softly.

"I still think you're wrong about thinking I have anything to forgive you for, but if you say so… I won't continue to argue with you."

Severus kept himself entwined with the woman he loved for quite some time, or it could have been no time at all. Somehow, after having expressed his brokenness and misery, he felt the burden begin to lighten. The power of love was doing its work within him, yet he didn't understand it.

"What's happening to me?" Severus finally asked, withdrawing enough to look into Lily's eyes.

"You're learning to love yourself, Sev," Lily said sweetly. "That's part of the magic of love and of this place. Heaven is not a place meant for melancholy. Your past regrets are not forgotten, but you find that you can be at peace. You see the bigger picture, so to speak. You understand deeper truths than you ever could on earth. You learn to forgive yourself by loving yourself. That, Severus, has been your biggest struggle, but the hurt does not last forever. You have suffered enough already. That is over. This is eternity, and you are a part of it. You are _meant_ to be here."

Severus wouldn't have believed her long ago, but something inside him had shifted. The tears were gone. There was to be no more weeping, no more sorrows, no more pain. Severus smiled the first genuine smile he had in years.

"I love you, Lily. I should have told you, but more than that, I should have showed you."

"I love you, Severus, my best friend. Always."

"Always."

_ The End_

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Author's Note: Please review! Thanks for reading!


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